Each night I fall asleep from pure exhaustion somewhere around 11 pm. Despite my reasonable bedtime, I’m usually wide awake about 3:30. a.m.. In fact, it’s happened three times this week. It’s like my mind waits until everyone including the dog is fast asleep before I wake. It’s honestly the only time I get to transparently worry. I usually wrap the sleep interruption in tasks to make it more palatable for what I know has underlying issues. I’ll tell myself something like “Make sure you started the dishwasher” or “Did you remember to Lysol the door knobs and faucets?” But the reality is it’s an opportunity for me to sit quiet and process all of this. See I’m fully aware that I control the temperature of my home. If I freak out, my children ages 11 and 8 will freak out. If I freak out, I stress my husband out. If I freak out, the entire house will freak out. So I simply have to hold it together.
My astrological sign is Taurus and Lord knows we need consistency. It really is a need, but this is week four of quarantine as a result of COVID-19. Week four of new routines. Week four of uncertainty. Week four of inconsistencies at work and at home. Week four of not being able to control a doggone thing and it’s wearing on me. So I’ve tried to create consistency in the midst of this chaos.
I wake up, take a 2 mile walk/run by myself. I come home, make breakfast and get the children in place for online classes. I’m not the best at technology, so I can keep the schedule but my husband’s job is all things tech. He handles questions about internet, link issues, assignment submissions etc… I just can’t. Somewhere between there I have individual work tasks, a to-do-list a mile a long and Zooms of my own. Lunch is on you own around here. There’s plenty to eat, but every man or woman for themselves. Then it’s dinner time.
Each of us is dealing with this pandemic in our own way. It’s a collective situation with individualized levels of coping. There really isn’t a rule book for dealing with this. I just know I have to take care of myself and my family. So, for now, I will try to use my sleep interruptions as an opportunity for spiritual growth and productivity. For now, I will lie back down and wait for the sun to rise or for sleep to catch me. For now, I will ignore the building anxiety at the thought of yet another inconsistent day.